Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Summer Vacation Gone Bad

As vacation time nears, I'm once again reminded of a Vacation from Heck we had several years ago. 
We always look forward to vacation. We save money,  plan what to take, pick the location, and decide what to do while we are there.  It seems the anticipation is building so fast we would almost burst before departure day.
We usually head for the hills (mountains) for our summer vacation.  Though we live near Myrtle Beach, we all love the tranquility of the mountains.
There were several hints that this was going to be a vacation to remember. The first one was when we rode around in circles  looking for our cabin.  The  winding narrow  road  was terrifying.  I have a phobia when riding  in a car (there is a name for it) so I was a basket case by the time we found our rental.
Hint 2: The cabin was in a deep valley (I thought we were going to be on a mountaintop).  There were at least 50  steps down and 50 steps up.  Fun times carrying our luggage and vacation stuff into the cabin.  
Hint 3:  The cabin looks good, just like the virtual tour on the internet....NOT.  How did they get this place to look  that good in pictures? We get settled in.  Groceries in the fridge, luggage into rooms, kids happily playing outside.  I go to the kitchen to make coffee and my feet kept sticking to something on the floor. It sounds like sticky tea on the floor but there is nothing there. Every step you take, sticky tea.... Little things can drive you crazy if you let them so I  tuned it out....

Hint 4: Time to relax and enjoy some tv time with the family.  Oh no, the satellite is not working.  Hubby inspects and sees there is a tree limb blocking it, so he goes to the neighbor and borrows a saw. I can not tell you the fear I had as he climbs a limber tree and proceeds to cut the limb. Many hours later we give it the test.  Still no satellite. 
 Thank goodness we have a dvd player so we go to town and rent 4 or 5 movies.  We finally arrive back and sit down to watch a movie and of course the dvd player doesn't work.  A silence falls over the room. 
Ok, enough...we call the realtor.  He suggests we move to another cabin down the road.  We decide we don't want to move in and out of cabins during our entire vacation.
It's a lot of work to load up all your stuff only to go down the road and unload again.  Who knows how many surprises await at the next cabin.  Vacations are to relax...right?
Hint 5: The window in the living room is one huge pane.  As day turns into night the trees look like a dense jungle. As it gets darker, it takes on a creepy look.  The kids are terrified, as in, no one is getting any sleep in this house tonight.  There are no curtains.  Who forgets to put up curtains?
Hint 6:  Hubby and I decide to go to bed, it has been a long day and we are exhausted.  I don't know why we thought there was rest for the weary.  All night the corners of the linen kept popping off the bed.  We got up several times and put the corners back on,  finally falling asleep in complete exhaustion. In the morning we were laying on the plastic mattress cover. Yuck!
  Rise and Shine and I'm headed to the sticky kitchen to make breakfast. By now, I'm on the verge of tears.
All of us could have easily been talked into leaving, but we made the best of a bad situation and did a lot of sightseeing and eating out.

It was one vacation we were glad to see come to an end.  Home has never looked so sweet. 
 The plus side of vacations gone bad is you appreciate how wonderful your home really is. Trust me, you will laugh about your experience...eventually.
Did  you ever have a Vacation from Heck?  We would love to hear about it.  It might be good therapy.

Pet Tips and Your Pet Pictures

MILEY
 Hi my name is Miley and I have the coolest family in the world. I crave their attention 24/7.  When we have company, I make sure I'm the center of attention.  Mom and Dad try to guess who I love the most...I keep them guessing, that's part of the game. I have everyone  wrapped around my thumb paw. 
How do I achieve  this status you say.  It's easy, I follow every command,  never talk back,  never hold grudges, and I don't bite the hand that feeds me.  When mom lets me out to tend to business, she doesn't have to hunt me down, I come right back when she calls me...that is a real plus.


My day is filled with hugs and  playing ball  with the animals they have outside.
It hasn't always been this easy.  Dad didn't want me in the house to begin with.  Now guess who is curled up beside him every night...you guessed it.  He even pats the bed for me to come lay down. 
Look into my eyes, what's not to love. 

  Here are some helpful tips my mom found to keep me safe.
  • Using metal water dishes outside in winter may be a risk, because my tongue could stick to the frozen metal. In the summer metal bowls can get very hot, and burn my little mouth.
  • Add parsley to my food to help tone down my killer breath (everyone has their faults).  
  • Be careful with the squeaky toys. I may feel I have to find and destroy the sound hidden in the toy and could ingest it and choke.
  • Chocolate may be the food of the gods, but it is toxic to my little body.
  • People who own pets live longer, have less stress, and have fewer heart attacks. (That's good news for you)
Have you kissed....uh...hugged your pet today?


* Just for fun....Send  an EMAIL with a picture of your favorite pet and his/her name and I will add it to this post.            
                                                                     
Boo from Evans GA






 















Mary Jane from Blenheim SC

     "Captain" Toby from High Springs Florida














   

Funny Cold Feet Sock Label for The Groom

 Want to give your groom to be a chuckle?  Then Send him these "cool" socks to wear on your wedding day.  You can print out a Cold Feet @ The Pretty Blog label for a pair of socks . The label says to make sure you don't get cold feet, With love from your bride.
The groomsmen, best man, and ushers are sure to get a smile from these wedding day socks.  And the groom....he will never forget the socks he wore on his wedding day.  There are two color labels to choose from.  Great way to add a little humor to your wedding.

How to Make Cookie Lambs (and Craft Fail)

This cute craft was featured in Southern Living (not sure when)
but looks simple enough to make. 
  •  Milano cookies.
  •  melted chocolate 
  •  marshmallows
  •  chocolate chips for the eyes
Well someone posted their finished product on Craft Fail.   It looks like some of my craft attempts.
The site of full of funny craft  boo boos.  So when your craft flops,
there is a special place for them.
See the finished product below that one hard working crafter posted.


Video Baby Praising the Lord


I love this video...I have watched it several times . 
Proof that children are watching our every move. 

Cupcakes and the Patient Dog

This has got to be the World's most patient dog.
I love the way The Cupcake Queen  uses her pet in the pictures...oh and the cupcakes are cool too. Get more peeks at her pet....I mean cupcakes....at 52 Cupcakes.
What a great mix of man's best friend and food.


Cupcakes everywhere...Finally a Taste!

I Cheated Making Rainbow Cupcakes

Yesterday was my daughters 24th Birthday. I saw the cutest rainbow cupcakes on Red Mommy Crafts and wanted to make them. Well as I told Amber, I'm just not a spontaneous baker. This is what I came up with.......you can visit her site for instructions for the rainbow batter. It is really cool.
I think my cupcakes turned out pretty good, don't you? Thanks Walmart Bakery, Ashley loved them....Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

Fun Turkey In a Bikini



FUN TURKEY IDEA
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2 Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...


Cake Wrecks Website (So Funny)

My son is interested in a career in cake decorating, so I surf the net looking for interesting cakes to show him...I found this site about a year ago and when I need a good laugh, I check out the newest finds. This site is hilarious..check it out for yourself and be prepared to stay awhile...


CAKE WRECKS

Funny Things Kids Say About the Bible



If you have ever taught children in Sunday School, you can relate to this very well....the bible according to Kids.
 

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.



He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't

embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived

to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his

kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some

animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would

have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his

brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot

roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.


Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after

God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs,

mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.


God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top

Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet

your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.


One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use

spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.


After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a

slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500

porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise

to me.


After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was

Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.



There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to

worry about them.


After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New.

He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn
too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a

barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')


During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and

the Democrats.


Jesus also had twelve opossums.


The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a

terrible vegetable after him.


Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some

Germans on the Mount.


But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the

Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.



Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to

Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in

the book of Revolution.

Computer Technology for Country Folks


Technology for Country Folk

Log On - Making a wood stove hot
Log Off - Too much wood on fire
Monitor - Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
Down Load - Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
Mega Hertz - When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
Floppy Disc - Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
Ram - That thar thang what splits the farwood
Hard Drive - Gitten home in the winter time
Windows - Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen - Whut to shut when its black fly season
Byte - Whut dem dang flys do
Chip - Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip - Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem - Whatcha do to the hay fields
Dot Matrix - Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top - Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard - Whar you hang the dang truck keys
Software - Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad - That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
Main Frame - Holds up the barn roof
Port - Fancy flatlander wine
Enter - Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
Click - Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
Double Click - When you cock the double barrel
Reboot - Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

Funny Diary of a Cat

For Cat Lovers...Diary of a Cat
Day 1- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 2 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

Day 3 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 4 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
  
Day 5- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 6- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...
Click Here For Great Gifts for CAT LOVERS at Enchanted Designs.

Funny Church Bulletin Bloopers


Church Bulletin Bloopers

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement for a National PRAYER and FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Kindergarten Kid

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page
to her class. On it was a picture of a duck
holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class
to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green,
however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck
a bright fire truck red. After seeing this,
the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have
you seen a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The
same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."